Friday, February 13, 2015

Mama AnnMaria's Guide to Valentine's Day

ADVICE TO WOMEN

1. If you are over 18 years old, here is what your man wants for Valentine's Day:

Sex.

That's it. Show up naked.

Done.

You're welcome.

A nice dinner, a romantic movie, a back massage, all of that is nice but only if it ends up with sex.

If you don't like him enough to have sex with him, then don't. However, if you are asking yourself what he wants for Valentine's Day, that's it.

2. If you are under 18 to say, 15 or 16 years old, that is ALSO what your boyfriend wants for Valentine's Day but listen closely to mama and .... DON'T DO IT because otherwise you will join those millions of women looking back and asking themselves,

"What the hell was I thinking?"

Trust me. I am old and you are young and I am 100% right on both of these points.

3. For the love of God, if you want something for Valentine's Day, use your big girl voice and tell him! Don't be one of those annoying, insipid women who say stupid shit like,

"I really wanted him to KNOW that the thing I most wanted was chocolate covered strawberries."

Listen to me, chicas. I have been married to a really good man for almost 18 years. Before that, I was married to a really good man for 11 years, until he passed away. So, I have successfully done that "till death do us part" thing twice. If I want my husband to buy me flowers, I TELL him because he is a husband, not a fucking psychic. Are we clear on this?

ADVICE TO MEN

Women are not as easy as men. What most women want is to feel appreciated. Some women want sex, and also to feel appreciated. If said woman has borne you one or more children get off your ass, go to the store, or at least the computer, and order her flowers. It's hard to go wrong with flowers. I have never once heard a woman say,

"You know what I hate? When a man sends me flowers."

Do NOT send her pictures of your dick. For the love of God, who raised you people who do that? I guarantee you that when you send a woman a picture of your dick, she does not think to herself,

"Ooh, baby, that's so sweet."

No! What she is thinking to herself is this ..

"What the fuck is WRONG with you?"

If you can't afford to buy flowers, go find them somewhere, pick them and give them to her. Try not to get arrested while doing it.

If you can afford it, try to find out something like her favorite perfume and get that for her also. How do you find her favorite perfume? Ask her sister or her best friend. They usually know these things. Same with taking her to her favorite restaurant. If you are really well off,  buy her diamonds or sapphires or whatever it is that she likes. If you're that well off, I'm not sure that she trusts her best friend around you. Ask her sister or her mom, unless her mom is me. Don't ask me. I'm busy and I have shit to do.

Listen carefully to this one ....  If your wife/ girlfriend/ fiancee says that she would like a dozen long-stemmed roses, Warlords of Draenor expansion pack, weekend in San Diego, copy of The Definitive Guide to Javascript or whatever it is, and it is within your budget, buy it for her. Seriously, are you fucking stupid or what? You are lucky enough to be with one of those women who doesn't believe that if you love her you will be able to read her mind. Don't let this one get away.

Also, if she likes you enough to honestly tell you what she wants, and you like her enough to listen and  do it, she will probably also like you well enough to have sex with you on Valentine's Day. There is no guarantee, but as a statistician, I can tell you that the odds are in your favor.

You're welcome.

================

Shameless plug for my company. This IS my day job.

Want to be even smarter? Check out 7 Generation Games. It's like push-ups, but for your brain.


14 comments:

Darío Tórtola said...

Wonderful post: truth, humour. Loved the Javascript and WoW mention.

Sammi Abinanti said...

All of those are really good points but I can do without the whole sex thing and Sex just makes it awkward and weird between to people, I rather be friends with a ladies first and I would like to get her know more than just go on one date with her and I am into making friends with ladies more than having sex and I am a guy and I pay attention to what women like and try to have start a friendship with her more, If I am lucky maybe one day she will let me pass the friend zone and If not and Not push the issue and It is better to be a friend with a lady than get on her bad side and Leave bad taste in her mouth and ruin it for someone else who there meant to be with, Happy Valentines Day Ronda and mrs.Rousey!

Brad Paschal said...

I love this best thing I have read in a while :)

Anonymous said...

If I had a significant other, I'd probably send this to her.

Jagadeesh Waran said...

Haha Love it

Jaime Scott said...

Why do people make all women in the world out to be so complicated? I'm a woman and I'm not that complicated.

I want the following: to orgasm during sex and financial security.


Rick Matz said...

I am fortunate enough to have to adult daughters direct me in what I should get for my wife at any given time.

Ventus Sina said...

This was great fun to read. :lol:
That part about girls not expecting telepathy but instead actually saying what they want is so true. Finally someone said the right thing about it!
Please make it a part of your educational games! :P

As for Valentines... i dont see why do you have to wait for and do any of it only on that one day myself.

Anonymous said...

Loved this! Thanks for the belly laugh!!!

Judo Clube Albufeira said...

A very interesting and a nice blog.
Greatings from Portugal´

http://jcalbufeira.blogspot.pt/

Stephen said...

Maybe you know someone interested in WoD recruit a friend? Saw the World of Warcraft reference and ...

thepinkspatula said...

This is the best advice about relationships I have read in a very long time! You're awesome!

Paula Quinene said...

Love this post! You're on point. ....and crazy funny....thanks for all the giggles.

Matt said...

That's probably the best Valentine's post I've ever read. Thank you!